By Daniel Agusi
Yesterday, at a bus stop, a woman in heels tried to cross a gutter.
It wasn’t dramatic. No danger, no urgency. Just one of those small inconveniences that should take ten seconds to solve if someone decides to act.
Two men who came to pick her up sat in their parked car, watching. Laughing, even. Around them, a small crowd waiting for their rides. Women included. But no one moved.
She tried again. Adjusted her stance. Failed. Paused. That quiet moment where the body gives up before the voice does. Still, no one moved.
So, I did. Helped her across. That was it.
Except it wasn’t.
Because what stayed with me was not her struggle. It was the audience.
We keep asking whether chivalry is dead, but that question is too convenient. It suggests something noble has been killed off, usually by modernity or shifting gender roles.
But standing there, watching a group of perfectly capable adults choose observation over action, the answer felt simpler.
Chivalry isn’t dead. People just care less than they used to, or at least, they act like they do.
This is not new. Psychologists call it the bystander effect. The more people present, the less likely anyone is to help. Responsibility spreads thin until it disappears.
What has changed is how comfortable we’ve become with it. We do not just hesitate anymore. We watch. We assess. Sometimes we even find humour in someone else’s inconvenience because it removes any pressure to act.
The men in the car were not cruel. They were casual. That is what makes it worse.
Now, to be fair, this is where the conversation gets complicated.
Chivalry has always been framed as something men do. Open doors. Offer help. Step in. But modern men are navigating a confusing script.
Be helpful, but not patronising. Be kind, but do not assume. Offer assistance, but do not offend. Somewhere in all that, many have quietly stepped back.
And honestly, part of the reason is not hard to see.
I have another experience.
On most days, after work, I walk out with my colleagues. All women. We get to the gate, I open it, they walk through, and then I follow. Simple. No big deal.
One day, they got there before me. And instead of opening the gate themselves, they stood there. Waiting. For me.
I got there, looked at them, opened the gate, walked through, and closed it behind me.
Because at that point, it was no longer a gesture. It had become an expectation.
That shift matters.
When kindness becomes something you are expected to deliver on cue, it stops feeling like kindness. It starts to feel like a role you are being cast into without audition.
But let’s not make this a men versus women argument. That would be missing the point entirely.
The bus stop incident was not about entitlement. No one there felt owed help. They simply did not feel responsible to offer it.
That includes everyone.
So, the real issue is not that chivalry is fading. It is that basic consideration is no longer instinctive. It has become optional, something we weigh, analyse, and sometimes ignore.
And that is a bigger problem.
Because chivalry, as a concept, was never perfect. It was selective and often performative. What we actually need is something simpler and more honest.
Consideration.
Helping someone because they need help. Acting because it is right. Not because it is expected, and not because it will be applauded.
The truth is, we have become very aware of ourselves. Every small action now comes with questions.
Will this be misinterpreted? Will this be appreciated? Is this even my place?
Sometimes, doing nothing feels safer than doing something slightly awkward.
But that safety has a cost.
Every time we choose not to act, we quietly reinforce the idea that help is optional. That someone else will do it. That discomfort is not urgent enough to interrupt our day.
And over time, that builds a culture where people feel alone, even in a crowd.
So no, chivalry is not dead.
It just no longer feels necessary to most people.
And that is the real problem.
Because fixing it does not require grand gestures. It is much simpler than that.
Step forward instead of watching. Help without overthinking it. Do the small thing, even if no one notices.
Because in the end, it is not about chivalry.
It is about whether we are still the kind of people who act when it would be easier not to.
