When the Grass Looks Greener on the Other Side of Adversity
By Chloé Beaufoy
So, you have clawed your way through life’s latest plot twist, a challenging job, a health scare, or perhaps the world’s longest blind date masquerading as a relationship. You have emerged, not unscathed but undeniably stronger (oops, nearly said the ‘r’ word). Yet, instead of basking in hard-earned glory, you find yourself eyeing others who seem to have sidestepped hardship altogether or are bouncing back with the grace of a gazelle on a trampoline.
Welcome to the perplexing world of survivor envy, a place where the phrase “I am happy for you” is often followed by a silent “but why not me?”
The Silent Struggle with Survivor Envy
Survivor envy is that awkward emotion we do not like to admit having. It is the niggling feeling when your friend lands her dream job while you are still deciphering the hieroglyphics of your career path. Or when a colleague breezes through a project that had you pulling all- nighters fuelled by coffee and questionable life choices.
It is not that we wish ill upon others, far from it. It is more about wrestling with our own feelings of inadequacy when faced with someone else’s seemingly effortless success or recovery.
Why We Feel This Way
Let us be honest: social media does not help. Scrolling through curated highlights of others’ lives can make anyone feel like they are perpetually stuck in the blooper reel of their own existence. Add to that the societal expectation that women should handle adversity with a stiff upper lip and perhaps a stylish handbag, and it is no wonder we sometimes feel a tad green around the gills. Moreover, survivor envy can stem from the misconception that there is a limited amount of success or happiness to go around, as if someone else’s triumph somehow diminishes our own.
Turning Envy on Its Head
But here is a thought: what if we could flip the script on survivor envy? Instead of letting it fester, we could use it as a catalyst for self-reflection and growth (note the avoidance of the ‘r’ word).
Acknowledge the Feeling: It is okay to admit that you are envious. Bottling it up is about as effective as using chocolate teapots.
Reframe Your Perspective: Remember that everyone has their own behind- the-scenes struggles. That friend who seems to have it all together? She might be paddling like mad beneath the surface.
Focus on Your Journey: Comparing yourself to others is like comparing apples to screwdrivers, utterly pointless. Your path is uniquely yours, with its own set of twists, turns, and occasional traffic jams.
Celebrate Others’ Successes: Shifting your mindset to genuinely celebrate others can be oddly liberating. Plus, goodwill has a funny way of coming back around.
Channel the Energy Positively: Use that pang of envy as motivation to set new goals or try something different. Always wanted to take up salsa dancing or start a side hustle? Now is your chance.
Survivor envy is a natural, if somewhat uncomfortable, part of the human experience, especially in a world where everyone’s successes are on full display. But it does not have to be a permanent state of mind. By acknowledging it and shifting our focus, we can turn envy into empowerment (dodged another popular word there).
So the next time you catch yourself side-eyeing someone else’s triumph, take a step back. Give yourself credit for how far you have come, perhaps pour a nice cup of tea (or wine, we do not judge), and remember that someone out there might be looking at you and thinking you have got it all figured out.
After all, the grass is not greener on the other side; it is green where you water it.
