By Tom Boyd
Let me tell you something most men will not say out loud: we can smell desperation faster than perfume. We can sense when a woman walks into a room hoping to be picked, hoping to impress, Now before you roll your eyes, hear me out. This is not another sermon about “playing hard to get” or “acting mysterious.” I am not talking about games. I am talking about energy, about presence, about what it feels like to meet a woman who knows who she is versus one who is waiting for someone to tell her who she is.
Men are drawn to women who have already chosen themselves. The ones who carry an inner calm that says, “I am enough whether you notice me or not.” It is not arrogance, it is alignment. Because when a woman stands firmly in her own light, she does not chase. She attracts.
The truth is, most women spend too much time learning what men like and too little time learning who they are. You study his hobbies, his favorite meal, his love language, but when was the last time you studied yourself? When was the last time you asked, “What do I like? What brings me joy? What do I believe in?” You cannot expect a man to recognize your value if you are not acquainted with it yourself.
You see, we men are not nearly as complicated as social media makes us out to be. We are, however, deeply instinctive. We know when a woman is whole and when she is performing wholeness. We can tell when you are confident and when you are trying to convince yourself to be confident. And here is the part that might sting: men rarely stay where they feel responsible for your self-esteem.
hoping to prove that she is worth choosing. And it changes everything.
Now before you roll your eyes, hear me out. This is not another sermon about “playing hard to get” or “acting mysterious.” I am not talking about games. I am talking about energy, about presence, about what it feels like to meet a woman who knows who she is versus one who is waiting for someone to tell her who she is.
Men are drawn to women who have already chosen themselves. The ones who carry an inner calm that says, “I am enough whether you notice me or not.” It is not arrogance, it is alignment. Because when a woman stands firmly in her own light, she does not chase. She attracts.
The truth is, most women spend too much time learning what men like and too little time learning who they are. You study his hobbies, his favorite meal, his love language, but when was the last time you studied yourself? When was the last time you asked, “What do I like? What brings me joy? What do I believe in?” You cannot expect a man to recognize your value if you are not acquainted with it yourself.
You see, we men are not nearly as complicated as social media makes us out to be. We are, however, deeply instinctive. We know when a woman is whole and when she is performing wholeness. We can tell when you are confident and when you are trying to convince yourself to be confident. And here is the part that might sting: men rarely stay where they feel responsible for your self-esteem.
A healthy man does not want to be your saviour; he wants to be your supporter. He wants to meet you where you are already standing, not where you are kneeling. The “pick me” energy, the one that says, “I can cook, I can clean, I can be anything you want” is exhausting. It is transactional love dressed as devotion. What real men crave is partnership, not performance.
Let me put it plainly: the most irresistible woman in the room is the one who is not performing for attention. She is not loud, but she is present. She is not trying to prove she is different from other women; she simply is. She is not competing for a man’s gaze because she is already busy doing something that matters to her.
There is a magnetic pull that comes from purpose. When a woman is focused on her growth, her craft, her peace, she radiates something no man can manufacture or resist. It is the quiet confidence of someone who knows her worth without needing applause. That is what we notice first.
You want to know what makes a man stay? It is not your looks, though they might catch his eye. It is not how much you do for him, though he will appreciate it. It is how you make him feel about himself when he is around you.
Men stay where they feel respected, inspired, and safe. And you cannot make anyone feel safe if you are constantly anxious about being replaced.
So here is the truth from the other side: stop auditioning. You are not competing for a part in someone else’s story. Write your own. Stop confusing attention for affection. Stop mistaking consistency for commitment. Stop shrinking yourself to fit into someone’s preference.
When you finally choose yourself, something shifts. You stop asking, “What kind of man do I want?” and start asking, “What kind of woman do I need to be to attract what I deserve?” That question changes everything.
Because the truth is, good men do not fear strong women. They are drawn to them. The problem is not that you are too much, it is that you have been giving “too much” to men who have too little to give back. When the right man meets your light, he will not be intimidated by it. He will recognize it because he has been working on his own.
So, my dear sister, do not sit around waiting to be chosen. You were already chosen the day you were born with gifts that only you can offer this world. A man can complement you, but he cannot complete you. That is your job.
And when you finally see yourself clearly, when you stop begging to be seen, stop bending to be liked, stop performing to be kept, you will realise that being chosen was never the prize. Becoming whole was.
So find your peace. Build your purpose. Love yourself enough to stop auditioning for a role you already own. Because the moment you do, you will not need to chase love. Love will find you standing exactly where you were meant to be, radiant in your own light.
And that, my dear, is how you find your light and everything else that was meant for you.
