The Debate on Shrinking and Showing Up
By May Ikeora-Amamgbo
When renowned beauty entrepreneur Tara Fela-Durotoye the pioneering force behind House of Tara recently resurfaced in a viral video clip, saying that though she is the CEO and Founder of House of Tara, at home she is simply “Fela Durotoye’s wife,” the internet lit up faster than a makeup tutorial on a Monday morning.
Her full quote?
“When you become a powerful woman, if you don’t put boundaries in place as a married woman, that marriage cannot work… I am CEO and Founder of House of Tara, but when I get to Fela Durotoye’s house, I am Fela Durotoye’s wife. Your husband did not marry your title. He married you.”
The line was part of a longer, nuanced speech. But in the very nature of today’s social media, context is often the first casualty. Words get clipped, quoted, and catapulted across timelines, igniting conversations that blur intention. We can’t control what people choose to spotlight or when a remark becomes a flashpoint in public discourse.
At first glance, Tara’s comment came across as a thoughtful reflection on emotional boundaries and humility in marriage. But by the time it made the rounds courtesy of @thetattlerroomng the responses were anything but serene. Think pots boiling, tables shaking, timelines spiralling.
Some women saw wisdom. Others saw red.
“Shrink to Fit?” The Internet Reacts
Instagram users didn’t hold back and the comments were as layered as a well-contoured cheekbone.
@madamkeji wrote: “It is so disappointing to see successful women diminish, shrink and dismiss themselves and their success because of their husbands. These are people young girls are looking up to.”
@LionessAtEase was far less forgiving: “When we build the new Nigeria, married Nigerian women will not be having access to microphones in public… You people will not keep coming out to perpetuate harmful rhetoric that endangers women in marriage.”
@kssinzop added fire to the flame: “Why are Nigerians so ashamed of success? Why does a successful woman cause so much intimidation and headache?”
The frustration wasn’t just about Tara it was about a pattern. About how often powerful women are expected to apologise for their brilliance the moment marriage enters the chat.
About the generational fatigue of being told to adjust, adapt, and shrink to fit societal expectations.
@Drahkmaz summed it up: “Maybe the reason why so many women are rebelling is because for too long we’ve been told to shrink ourselves for men’s comfort.”
But not everyone saw it as a call to dim one’s light. Some saw wisdom in her words a subtle message about harmony over hierarchy.
@kaffyscollections_ offered a gentler perspective: “Dropping titles at home doesn’t make you less of who you are; it shows emotional intelligence and wisdom in building a peaceful home.”
@bade_ogbonyomi echoed the sentiment from a man’s lens:
“Same goes for us men. At home, you’re a husband and dad, not a director. That’s how homes work.”
Even @thevellabrand urged the public to take a beat: “Let’s listen to the full message before we conclude. Context is everything. Tara doesn’t look like marriage shrank her. She flies. And probably has a husband who lets her soar.”
Still, the emotional undercurrent was clear: many women are tired. Tired of performing submission, of hearing that softness equals survival, of having to “balance” when men are rarely asked to do the same.
Which raises a rather juicy question:
When you walk through the door after running your empire, must you take your crown off at the door? Or is it possible to wear it gracefully in every room?
Let’s unpack.
The Case for Wearing Different Hats
One could argue that Tara’s advice is about adaptability not erasure. Many agree that relationships thrive when we learn how to switch gears.
As a 40-year-old entrepreneur and mother of three shared during a community chat: “My husband doesn’t need the CEO version of me when we’re arguing about why our child won’t eat vegetables.”
It’s not about being less than, but about knowing which parts of yourself are needed where. And honestly, emotional intelligence sometimes looks like pausing your boardroom voice in a bedroom discussion.
Many agree that successful relationships, especially marriages, require compromise, mutual respect, and the ability to read the room. If your partner sees you only through the lens of your professional accolades, how do you both hold space for intimacy, vulnerability, and shared growth? As one witty commenter put it: “Softness is a strategy. Being a wife is not a demotion it’s just another role I play, and I wear it well.”
But… Why Must Women Always Be the Ones to Shrink?
Here’s where the conversation gets thorny. Why is this message almost exclusively directed at women? Where are the calls for men to hang up their alpha armour at the door?
@ebuka_iruke said it best: “Same goes for the man actually. At home, they are husband and wife, not CEO and co-founder.”
Yet in real life, the emotional labour of shrinking, silencing, and shifting often falls on the woman’s shoulders. It’s no wonder many younger women are exhausted by the whole charade.
@Drahkmaz: “Maybe the reason why many women are rebelling is because way too many people keep telling them to shrink themselves for the approval of men.”
@feis_tea didn’t hold back: “This is what Nigerian women are raised with, and you wonder why some women want to die instead ontop marriage.”
These aren’t just clapbacks they’re collective sighs. Women want love, not less of themselves.
So, What’s the Middle Ground?
It’s possible both camps are right and wrong.
Marriage isn’t a boardroom. But neither is it a prison cell. The real question is: can we be both powerful and partnered without apology? Can we be tender without being diminished?
The answer might lie in intention. If a woman chooses to “come home as a wife,” let it be her choice not a social requirement. And if a man loves a powerful woman, he must learn to hold her power gently not fear it.
Let’s stop turning “wife” into a synonym for less.
Tara Fela-Durotoye did not ask women to erase themselves. But her words ignited something deeper, a conversation about the invisible rules African women are still expected to obey in the name of love.
When you look at her journey and that of her husband, Fela Durotoye, they strike you as a couple who thrive on mutual success. In fact, I’d wager Fela finds Tara even more attractive in her full brilliance.
As someone newly married, I see shades of this in my own life. My husband sometimes proudly calls me “Dr Mayyy” (emphasis always on the ‘Dr’) usually in moments when I do something that reminds him of my essence. And though at home I’m simply May Amamgbo, I’ve grown even more ambitious, more inspired to reach for my highest self because he fans that fire.
We celebrate the brilliance we bring from our respective callings, but even more, we enjoy the richness of who we are beyond our titles. We complement. We partner. We play.
But here’s the truth: not every partner can do both. And not everyone should have to. Maybe, just maybe, we don’t need to choose between being “boss” and being “beloved.”
Maybe the real task is to stop performing peace at the expense of self and start creating relationships where every version of us is welcome.
As one user so perfectly put it:
Now that’s a perspective we can all mascara to.
“I’m a lioness at work, a dove at home and both versions of me deserve to exist, unapologetically.”
What’s your take? Join the conversation at @rwimagazine on Instagram and tell us how you showup in love and leadership.
